you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
