Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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