Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line