Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
