There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
