It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
