I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize