update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
