I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
