Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
