I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
