I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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