the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
