can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
