It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
