you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
