I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
