i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
