He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
