Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Plan B is the new Plan A
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
