Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
