it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
