If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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