i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
