I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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