he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
