Where did you get a picture of my penis
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
