I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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