xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
