kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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