Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
