final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
