I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
