This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
