So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
