fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
