I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
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He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
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For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked