Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid