I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.