Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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