if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
