It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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