you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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