i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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