forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
