He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
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it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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