Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
