where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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