Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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