Where are you?
In a non slutty way
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???