I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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