gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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