I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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