Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
