just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
