I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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