No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize