Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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