My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
