If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
